Feel the fear, get the F over yourself, and do it anyway

I wish I could say after I had written, partly produced / promoted and performed in my own one-person play, that I felt a HUGE wave of achievement and utter happiness wash over me. A sense of elation, ecstasy and egotistical pride all rolled into one... But, alas, I did not.

I felt relief. I felt that this big event that had caused me so much sleep-loss, stomach-knottedness and anxiety, was over* (*FOR NOW - because everybody tends to genuinely and kindly ask you "So, where is it going next?!")

Yes. Those (quite frankly) terrifying first two preview shows are surely the start of a long, self-gratifying journey. But how can you take the next steps of this journey when the thought of doing what you just did sets your heart pounding harder than a gym bunny on pre-workout and cocaine?

Let me give some background to this story... I wrote a play about my granny. An important story to tell. What she went through was horrific and it needed / needs to be told. Read an article about her traumatic experience with symphysiotomy here. So in effect, this play was bigger than me. I needed to trundle through, regardless of self-doubt, to produce an end result that would be worthy of the battle she has fought and to get word out. I think this (and an awesome director who believed in both me and the piece - shout out to JESSICA ARDEN, Follow her worthy self on Twitter HERE. ) pushed me to continue.

I felt the fear and did it anyway.

Maybe a longer run is what I need to get out of my head. I feel if I had more shows to just GET OVER MYSELF then I'd be able to crack on and think more about the piece rather than analyse myself as a performer.

After the two previews of my show (it's called A LIFE SENTENCE fyi. *Cheeky, tentative, out-of-character plug BLEUGH* ), I physically had to take about 1-2 weeks not to think about it. Of COURSE I was happy it had gone well... More relieved than happy but still... I just couldn't bring myself to jump on the tail-end of its (relative) success, right away anyways.

Not long after my show previewed, I listened to an interview with Dame Judi Dench where she HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD, in regards to fear. She says:

"I'm always fearful. … Fear generates in you a huge energy. You can use it. When I feel that mounting fear, I think, 'Oh, yes, there it is!' It's like petrol."

Thank F**K for her and her wise words. I thought, "Brilliant! If Dame Judi LEGEND Dench is fearful... then there's hope for us all." Maybe fear is a form of pure perfectionism.

After a while of just getting the F over myself, I began to branch out and email people. What always amazes me is the level of support and enthusiasm creatives often have for new work, and the kind words you receive. I've always been a bit of "do-er", I have a day-to-day diary (one I imagine Monica Geller might possess) which contains lists as long as my arm. I cope well with a check-list and this includes people to email. I like sitting in a café taking my time to compose well-formatted emails. (I like getting replies even more.)

And yet... whilst I am applying myself (more for the play's sake than mine) and being proactive; I am side-stepping what the (hopeful) result of these emails and meetings would mean... Performing this play again. I do want to... but that "fear" lingers.

So my question(s) would be... How do solo-performers do it? Especially self-written pieces. How do you get up and continue to perform your work, regardless of the mental internal goings-on in your mind? How do you get rid of those niggles? How do you learn to be self-assured, rather than cocky, in yourself? Without relying on other people's opinions or praise, how do YOU yourself believe in yourself enough to promote your piece, when doing so means you are effectively promoting yourself (EW)?

I was recently up at Ed Fringe, and I saw two incredible self-written and performed pieces (APPROPRIATE by Sarah-Jane Scott get tickets here! and BRENDAN GALILEO FOR EUROPE by Fionn Foley - tickets here ) To see two such confident and seamless solo show performances was truly inspiring.

I guess, in conclusion, maybe the answer is you never don't feel "the fear". Maybe, as Dame Judi Dench says, you are "always fearful"; and that never goes away. But you channel it. You channel that fear. So long as the audience can't hear your heart beating like the bloody HAMMERS, then it's all good, right?

Do What You Believe

In this career... it can be easy to lose sight of why you are doing it or where you are headed. The one thing that I have found empowering - is a strong understanding of where I want to go and belief in what I’m doing. I think a solidifying sense of where my passion lies and a stronger sense of my artistry has resulted in me heading towards 2019 in a subtly confident light. Nobody is going to hand me anything on a plate. I am lucky to have amazing people backing me and believing in me ... but the important thing is believing in myself and my passions. This is hard for me to type as I never want to come across as cocky. However, I think after starting to write my own material and make more of my own connections, has left me with an empowered feeling that has recharged me as a performer more so than ever before.
I love the creative arts, and I am never not going to act (corny, I know). But it’s so much more than that. It’s a passion that fuels my lifestyle.

This blog is a little sporadic I feel, I’m not being very specific. But essentially - the point is - when you realise you react differently to something whereas a few years ago it would have wiped the floor from beneath you; then you realise you are the master of your own destiny. A peaceful dose of patience as well as self-belief has allowed me to be less restless as a performer and from that - after reflecting over the past year - more doors have opened for me than ever before. I try to say ‘yes’ most of the time, I try to support all of the projects and friends I believe in supporting, and I make sure to stay proactive and alive in regards to my passion and career. How amazing it is to say my career and passion are intertwined. I’m seeking less approval in the politest kind of way.

Portrait of me demonstrating how focused I am

Penning Ideas

I have had the idea over the past while to begin to draft a play. After an incredible experience performing in a play called 'Gutted' at Edinburgh Fringe - I've decided there's no time like the present to start making my idea a reality.
If you have a good idea for a play / poem / or song I feel it is important to pen it down. I have always been a keen creative writer, however, I have never written a play before. I'm not quite sure how to tackle it - but I know I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who would happily read drafts and offer me advice.
Edinburgh Fringe was so inspiring - so many creatives in the one bubble, it was an actor's playground - that I feel I have to channel that inspiration somehow now that I am back in London.
I have no set time limit to complete my project - it may take one week to complete one draft - or one year. Who knows. Scratch nights aren't going anywhere anytime soon so I figured - once I do have a decent shape to my work (and potentially actors who would be passionate to perform the work with me) I can always showcase the play then.


Here's to writing... That's my Saturday night sorted. Living on the wild side I am.

Look How Far We've Come

Life is a funny thing - we want it to last forever, and yet we seem to count away the days like there's no tomorrow. Setting goals. Setting dates. Setting alarms... the list could go on!

As an actor, the key to being ambitious seems to be in setting ourselves "landmarks" or "goals" to reach every few months or so. This goal-setting technique is certainly useful; it can help actors become more proactive and encouraged. However, the flip side is the element of time. If you put a time limit on your goals - that can be counter-productive.

I have found myself worrying about my age or the time of year, and whether or not these are correlating with where I want to be? The fact is - ages and dates are mere figures, symbolising nothing significant to an actor's life. What if you don't get on the TV by the time your 25? What if your next employment isn't til Christmas 2019? What if the world ends before you find out about that casting you've been put "on hold" for? So what!

I find, as creatives, we give ourselves so much of a hard time about what we want to achieve -  that we sadistically forget what we have achieved already. It's important to keep track of where you are going and the little (or big) achievements you have gathered along the way. This does not mean sharing throwbacks of production shots on social media every. other. day. (The odd one never hurt anybody's ego, though...) However, it does mean refreshing over your CV. Appreciate the memories and experiences you have learnt from various classes, workshops, jobs you have done. Utilise those skills you have picked up whilst being a jobbing actor - and channel them into your auditions etc.

I'm gonna do a bit of free advertising now (but it is relevant). I recently started Acting UP! screen acting classes at The Union Theatre. Not only are they amazing value, but they have helped with my confidence building. Picking up a script and doing something new at weekly classes has made self-tapes and filming in my professional life easier. Maybe easier isn't the word - it's more so that my confidence has increased, helping me to make the decisions I need to make for acting.

I have also been enjoying the rehearsal room rehearsing for a new play set in Northern Ireland "Good Gracious, Good Friday" - as part of Theatre N16's "N16 Presents" (a new writing night). It's so lovely to be part of something that I am passionate about - the writing is fantastic, rich and relatable, as well as being fecking hilarious. (Tickets on sale here) https://lineupnow/com/event/n16-presents-1
This was an unexpected project that popped up to my delight - which ticked off no "date of achievement" in my diary, but rather has added unexpected (but valuable) experience to my life as an actor.

Constant grafting as an actor is a daily chore. I have flipped this around and see it as a fun lifestyle that I live. I have grafted and worked hard and will continue to do so, but it (mostly) doesn't feel like a chore. It's important to have the confidence to be assured that the efforts you have put in won't go to waste. And sometimes, letting it be, can pay off.

I am a divil for saying "I can't wait for this..." or "only so many days until that" - quite literally wishing my life away. What I think I have learnt (and what I will probably continue to struggle to do) is to: Live for the now (à la Meisner) - rather than setting myself time limits.

"Look how far we've come, my baby." Shania Twain knows

Using this as a metaphor - as, 20 years down the line, I have come a long way from being a crying Noddy, scared of their own sister. And I have the hindsight to see that she was not, in fact, Sly the Goblin, but merely dressed up as him.

Don't Let The "People" Grind You Down

As I am approaching the end of my B.A. Hons Degree in the professional practice of screen acting; I am already searching for more study paths to embark on after this milestone. This degree has set off a scholarly spark in me that I wish to ignite again. It has always been an aim of mine to undertake a Masters Degree. For me, an M.A. would have to be highly relevant and beneficial in line with my professional practice: acting. It would have to be something that would aid my journey as an actor; or equally look impressive and worthwhile on my acting C.V. I am so passionate about acting and literally cannot imagine doing anything else. This does not, however, mean that I can't further myself academically.


I am an actor and none of my life's circumstances will change this. Even when auditions may seem few and far between - this trick has been played far too many times for me to fall for it. There does be zero going on audition-wise for me, so I keep myself occupied with other aspects of my professional practice - then BAM! a whole volcano of material to learn for auditions and self-tapes comes flooding in. I have copped on to what particular times of the year are particularly busy for me in regards to auditions and I try and remain rational in regards to my career (easier typed than done).

I had already done a fair amount of research on Masters that I could possibly do - Drama in Education, or Drama Therapy, for example - when I had a low low LOW moment at an "in-between" job the other week, it got me thinking a bit more about the possibility of furthering my academic career. I was mistreated a little bit on one of those side jobs we all tend to do to pay our rent to get by in this "City of Dreams". Generally I don't mind these jobs. I'm a hard worker and I just think how lucky I am to be able to pay my way to do what I love. HOWEVER, this particularly horrible moment during this job made me feel quite inadequate as a human - and it wasn't even my passion that I was working at. It was literally a job I could not care less about, besides the pay. Therefore, my bad experience just made me think "Why am I doing this to earn money in between, especially when I'm being treated like this?"
Surely, the world is my oyster. I work best as self-employed (the only people I really work extremely well under are directors, producers, agents or casting-directors).
Other than that, to make my money "in-between" (shall I refer to that as 'purgatory', or is that too harsh?) I would like to work under my own terms, as much as possible.

IF I was lucky enough to pursue a Masters, under the blanket of drama, I could perhaps have more opportunity to do work in between acting jobs and auditions that I really love and that I'm passionate about.

First things first though, I want to obtain good grades in my B.A. Hons. I only have my oral presentation left to do in order to get the results that I really want for this course. Then, I can seriously consider where I want to go next with my studies.

Other than that, on a professional side of things, I have booked in to do a screen acting course over the next four Thursdays (Acting Up! at The Union Theatre). I'm looking forward to honing my screen technique. My busy periods for screen auditions tend to be August - September; so I thought I may as well brush up on my skills prior to this (HOPEFULLY) inevitable rush of self-tapes.

I am continuing on this tumultuous journey. I am opening opportunities for myself. I am carving my own life's path. As Margaret Atwood says: Nolite te bastardes carborundorum

Connecting Artefact / Presentation with Essay

An interesting point brought up in today’s Skype session was the notion to allow the process of my artefact and oral presentation planning to influence my essay. My artefact and oral presentation made me simplify my essay and pick out key points and themes that seem relevant and encompass my inquiry. Leading on from that - in the week leading up to the module 3 deadline - I now think it is a good idea to comb through my essay and see if my key points no themes are higihligited enough for whoever is reading it.

Bird’s Eye View rather than Chronological

At yesterday’s Skype session, we were encouraged to practice our oral presentation. Basically getting the message and essence of our inquiry across clearly and effectively. I struggled at first to assess what was necessary and interesting to include.
After a few goes, we were advised to not think about our inquiry process in a chronological order. Instead, the best option for an inquiry presentation is to describe our project with a bird’s eye view. This means including realisations and ‘eureka’ moments early on in the presentation - not when we actually figured them out.
This encouraged me to formulate some slides in a power point presentation of what I initially felt was important to include. I then jumbled them up into no particular order. I will now go back to my presentation and review the order they are in - but this was a helpful method to get me out of the chronological method.